How to Win Friends and Influence People

by Dale Carnegie

A complete learning reference guide to the original, unrevised principles for handling people, building genuine relationships, persuading others, and leading without resentment.

Core Theory: The Foundations of Human Relations

The Deepest Urge: The Desire to Be Important

Every person you meet carries a fundamental, often ungratified longing — the desire to feel important. Sigmund Freud (the founder of psychoanalysis) called it “the desire to be great”; John Dewey (the American philosopher and educational reformer) termed it “the desire to be important”; and William James (the influential Harvard psychologist and philosopher) described it as “the craving to be appreciated.” This craving is not a superficial wish but a gnawing hunger that shapes nearly every human action. It separates us from the animals, drives ambition, inspires art, and even leads some people into insanity when the real world denies them that feeling. Dale Carnegie repeatedly returns to this insight: if you can honestly satisfy another person's craving for significance, you hold the key to their goodwill.

People Are Creatures of Emotion, Not Logic

When dealing with people, we are not engaging with dispassionate rational minds. We are facing beings bristling with pride, prejudice, and vanity. As Carnegie illustrates, even criminals like Al Capone (the notorious Chicago gangster) or “Two Gun” Crowley (a cop killer in 1930s New York) rationalize their actions and see themselves as wronged benefactors. Criticism, therefore, only wounds precious pride and provokes resentment; it rarely changes behavior. Understanding this emotional reality is the starting point for every technique in the book.

The Only Way to Influence: Make the Other Person Want to Do It

Harry A. Overstreet (an American psychologist and writer) in his book Influencing Human Behavior declared, “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” This principle supersedes all others. Whether you are selling a product, persuading a child, or negotiating a rent reduction, you must see the situation from the other person's viewpoint and connect your desire to something they already want. The essence of all human relations skill is the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from their angle as well as your own.

When you're in this situation: You're meeting new people, trying to build rapport, or want to be remembered warmly. Perhaps you feel invisible at a social event, or your professional network feels shallow and transactional. The following techniques help you create genuine liking — not through manipulation, but by directing sincere, other-focused attention that makes people feel valued.
Principle
Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
You make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
What's happening underneathPeople are deeply self-focused. The word "I" is the most-used in conversations. When you sincerely attend to their interests, you feed their need for importance, which forms an emotional bond.
What it sounds likeQuestions about their life, hobbies, or accomplishments, and genuine follow-up. "How did you get started in that field? What do you enjoy most about it?"
Payoff for the userDeeper friendships, cooperation even from high-status individuals, and a reputation as a great conversationalist (when you've actually done little talking).
Warning signalsTalking about yourself, scanning the room while someone speaks, or asking perfunctory questions with no follow-up.
How to counter if used against youIf someone uses fake interest to manipulate, test by asking them to help with a small task or share an opinion; see if their interest persists when there's no immediate benefit. Genuine interest continues.
Success looks likePeople light up when you arrive, share freely, and remember you fondly. Example: Theodore Roosevelt's valet, James E. Amos, wrote a book praising him because Roosevelt greeted servants by name and remembered details about their lives.
Example phrase"I saw that you collect stamps for your son. Tell me, how did that collection begin?"
Watch out forForcing interest or faking enthusiasm. People detect insincerity instantly. The interest must be real; find something you can honestly admire.
Principle
Smile
A smile says, "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you."
What's happening underneathActions influence feelings. William James taught that by acting cheerful, you can become cheerful. A smile sets off a reciprocal emotional reaction.
What it sounds like / looks likeA warm, genuine smile that reaches the eyes. Not a mechanical grin.
PayoffImproved relationships, increased sales, more pleasant home atmosphere. Charles Schwab (the industrialist) said his smile was worth a million dollars.
How to recognize it earlyCheck your facial expression before entering a room. Force yourself to smile if you feel glum — it often lifts your own mood.
Counter if used against youA fake smile can be detected. Look for congruence with eyes and body language. Respond with your own genuine warmth; don't mirror insincerity.
Success looks likeStockbroker William Steinhardt reported that after two months of consciously smiling, he became "a totally different man — happier, richer in friendship."
Example phraseBefore answering the phone, pause and smile. Then say "Hello" in a tone that conveys pleasure.
Watch out forOverdoing it in solemn situations. Also, remember that a smile works best when accompanied by genuine interest.
Supplementary frameworkWilliam James's theory: "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together. By regulating the action, we can indirectly regulate the feeling."
Principle
Remember That a Person's Name Is the Sweetest Sound
A person's name is uniquely important to them; using it pays a subtle and effective compliment.
What's happening underneathA name symbolizes identity and individuality. Remembering it signals that the person matters enough to be recorded in your mind. Jim Farley (Postmaster General under Franklin D. Roosevelt) could recall 50,000 first names.
PayoffInstant connection, political power, business deals. Andrew Carnegie named his steel mill after J. Edgar Thomson, president of the Pennsylvania Railroad, to win the rail business.
Warning signalsForgetting a name soon after introduction, misspelling it, or mispronouncing it.
Counter if used against youIf someone repeatedly uses your name in a contrived way, recognize it as a technique; you can still appreciate the effort if genuine.
Success looks likeA person's face brightening when you greet them by name after a long absence, as with Franklin D. Roosevelt remembering the mechanic's name and thanking him.
Example phrase"Jim, it's good to see you again. How are the hollyhocks doing?"
Watch out forOverusing the name in a single conversation — it sounds artificial. One or two well-placed uses are enough.
DependencyYou must first develop a system to learn and recall names (Napoleon III's method: get the name clearly, repeat it, associate it with features, write it down).
Principle
Be a Good Listener. Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves.
To be interesting, be interested. Rapt attention is the highest compliment you can pay.
What's happening underneathMost people are bursting with things they want to say. By listening intently, you allow them to discharge that need and feel validated.
What it looks likeLeaning forward, maintaining eye contact, asking follow-up questions, never interrupting. Carnegie listened to a botanist for hours and was called a "most stimulating conversationalist."
PayoffPeople will think you're brilliant, resolve their own anger, and grant you what you want. A department store manager turned an angry customer into a loyal one simply by listening.
Warning signalsInterrupting, finishing others' sentences, glancing at your phone, or preparing your reply while they speak.
Counter if used against youIf someone encourages you to talk endlessly to sell you something, be aware. You can still enjoy the attention, but recognize when it's strategic.
Success looks likeAfter the other person has poured out their troubles, they soften and become cooperative. Lincoln used a neighbor as a sounding board to clarify his own thoughts.
Example phrase"That's fascinating. What happened next?"
Principle
Talk in Terms of the Other Person's Interests
The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things they treasure most.
What's happening underneathWhen you discuss what the other person cares about, you validate their identity. Theodore Roosevelt stayed up late studying topics his visitors were passionate about.
PayoffInstant rapport, easy access to decision-makers, and business wins. Henry Duvernoy sold bread to a hotel after four years of failure by talking about the manager's hobby (the Hotel Greeters of America).
Warning signalsJumping into your own agenda without discovering what the other person cares about.
CounterIf someone steers the conversation toward your interests to ingratiate, enjoy the attention but stay aware of their ultimate goal.
Success looks likeThe other person does most of the talking, becomes animated, and later associates that positive energy with you.
Example phrase"I understand you're a keen golfer. What's the best course you've ever played?"
Principle
Make the Other Person Feel Important — and Do It Sincerely
Always make the other person feel important. This is the law of human conduct that, if obeyed, brings countless friends and constant happiness.
What's happening underneathThe desire to be important is the deepest principle in human nature (John Dewey, William James). Sincere recognition satisfies this craving and creates loyalty.
Looks likeCompliments on specific traits, asking for advice, small courtesies like "I'm sorry to trouble you," and remembering anniversaries.
PayoffGifts, business deals, lifelong friendships. A Connecticut attorney received a Packard car as a gift from an old woman because he made her feel important by admiring her home.
Warning signalsFlattery — cheap, insincere praise that echoes what the person already thinks about themselves. Flattery will backfire. The test: is it heartfelt?
CounterIf you suspect someone is flattering you, ask for their honest opinion on a difficult topic. Flatterers will falter; sincere appreciators will still be honest.
Success looks likeThe other person's face lights up, and they go out of their way to help you. George Eastman (founder of Kodak) became close friends with James Adamson, who simply admired Eastman's office and early struggles.
Example phrase"I really admire how you handled that difficult situation. Your calmness saved the day."
Watch out forConfusing "making someone feel important" with empty flattery. Always tie praise to something specific and true.
When you're in this situation: Tempers are rising, someone has made a mistake, or you disagree strongly. You feel the urge to prove you're right or to lash out. These tactics help you lower defenses, keep relationships intact, and resolve issues without anyone losing face.
Principle
Don't Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. It wounds pride and arouses resentment.
What's happening underneathPeople rationalize their actions; even criminals see themselves as victims. Criticism attacks self-esteem directly, triggering a protective reaction.
What it sounds like"You're wrong," "Why can't you ever...?", "That was a stupid move."
Payoff for avoiding itPrevents resentment, maintains morale, and leaves the door open for actual influence. Lincoln's story: he never mailed the bitter letter to General Meade (who failed to pursue Lee after Gettysburg).
How to recognize earlyNotice when your self-talk includes "he should have..." or "I can't believe she...". That's the impulse to condemn.
Counter if used against youWhen criticized, do not defend immediately. Instead, acknowledge any validity ("You may be right about that point...") and ask clarifying questions. This defuses the attack.
Success looks likeYou pause, seek to understand why the person acted as they did, and respond with a question rather than a judgment. The workplace becomes collaborative rather than fearful.
Example phrase"I see things didn't go as planned. Let's talk about what happened and how we can address it together."
Watch out forThis does not mean ignoring problems. It means framing corrective feedback as a joint problem-solving effort, ideally after praising something else (see Begin with Praise card).
Tactic
Avoid Arguments
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. You can't win an argument; if you lose it, you lose it, and if you win it, you lose it too — because you've made the other person feel inferior.
What's happening underneathAn argument triggers the "fight" response. Even if logically defeated, the opponent's pride forces them to cling to their position. The mind doesn't change through verbal combat.
What it looks likeTwo people interrupting each other, voices rising, each planning the next rebuttal while the other speaks.
PayoffPreserved relationships, better solutions, and actual influence. Patrick O'Haire, a truck salesman, stopped arguing and became a top seller by saying, "The Whoseit truck is a good truck. If you buy the Whoseit, you'll never make a mistake."
Warning signalsFeeling a surge of adrenaline when someone contradicts you; wanting to "set them straight."
Counter if someone tries to draw you into argumentAgree with a point they make ("You're right about that..."), then pivot to common ground or ask a question. Disengage with "I see your perspective; let me think about it."
Success looks likeYou listen calmly, acknowledge the other view, and the tension dissipates. Both parties feel respected.
Example phrase"I understand why you feel that way. I may be wrong — I frequently am. Let's look at this together."
Watch out forThis does not mean you should always concede. It means you should never enter a verbal duel. Present your view later, when emotions are calm.
Principle
Show Respect for the Other Person's Opinions. Never Tell Them They Are Wrong.
If you tell someone they are wrong, you strike a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect.
What's happening underneathThe word "my" is the most powerful in human affairs. People attach personal identity to their beliefs. Challenging a belief threatens their self-esteem.
What it sounds like"That's not correct," "Actually, the facts are...", "No, you're mistaken."
PayoffYou avoid triggering defensiveness, and the other person becomes open to reconsideration. Ben Franklin quit dogmatic statements and adopted phrases like "I conceive," "I apprehend," or "it appears to me at present."
How to recognize earlyNotice when you are about to say "but" or "actually." Pause.
Counter if someone tells you you're wrongThank them for their perspective, then say "I may be wrong — let's examine the facts together." This mirrors the technique and disarms them.
Success looks likeA lumber salesman let an inspector be the authority and saved a $150 dispute while preserving the relationship.
Example phrase"You might be right about that. Let me share how I've seen it, and maybe we can compare notes."
Principle
If You're Wrong, Admit It Quickly and Emphatically
When you are wrong, admit it quickly and with enthusiasm. This takes the wind out of the other person's sails and often earns you a generous, forgiving attitude.
What's happening underneathSelf-criticism satisfies the other person's need for importance far better than their criticism could. They no longer need to fight you.
What it looks likeCarnegie again let his dog off-leash in the park. Before the policeman could speak, he said, "Officer, you've caught me red-handed. I'm guilty. I have no excuses." The policeman let him go.
PayoffReduced conflict, preserved relationships, and a reputation for honesty. Robert E. Lee blamed himself for Pickett's Charge at Gettysburg, saying, "All this has been my fault. I and I alone have lost this battle."
Counter if someone uses this to manipulateGenuine admission is specific and followed by action to correct the mistake. If it's a strategic "admission" to gain sympathy without intent to change, hold them accountable for the fix.
Example phrase"You're absolutely right. I made a mistake there, and I'm sorry. Let me make it right."
DependencyThis tactic works best when you are clearly in the wrong. It also pairs well with praising the other person for catching the mistake.
Principle
Begin in a Friendly Way
A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.
What's happening underneathFriendliness lowers defenses. The fable of the sun and the wind: the sun's gentle warmth made the man remove his coat more quickly than the wind's force.
PayoffEven bitter enemies can be turned into allies. John D. Rockefeller Jr. addressed striking miners with "I am proud to be here... we meet not as strangers but as friends," and calmed a violent strike.
Warning signalsStarting with an accusation or demand. Instead, start with genuine appreciation for something.
Counter if used against youIf someone is suddenly friendly when they want something, acknowledge the friendliness but stay clear on the terms. You can enjoy the warmth without being manipulated.
Success looks likeDorothy Day (a high-society hostess) turned a failed luncheon service around by praising the maître d'hôtel instead of scolding him. He later provided exquisite service.
Example phrase"I really appreciate your taking the time to meet with me. I've always admired the way you handle these situations."
Principle
Let the Other Person Save Face
How vitally important it is to let someone save face! A few minutes' thought and a considerate word can alleviate deep hurt to pride.
What's happening underneathBeing wrong publicly is humiliating. Preserving dignity maintains the person's self-respect and future willingness to cooperate.
PayoffLoyalty and smooth transitions. General Electric gave the brilliant but mismanaging Charles Steinmetz the new title "Consulting Engineer" — he was happy, and the company solved the problem.
Counter if used against youIf someone uses face-saving to avoid accountability, gently shift to shared responsibility and a solution focus: "We both want this to succeed. Let's figure out a path forward together."
Success looks likeMustapha Kemal (founder of modern Turkey) after defeating the Greeks, told the surrendering generals, "War is a game in which the best men are sometimes worsted." They left with dignity.
Example phrase"I can see how that might have looked from your side. Let's figure out the next step together."
Principle
Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders
No one likes to take orders. Asking questions makes a suggestion more palatable and gives the person a chance to work out the solution themselves.
What's happening underneathAn order implies inferiority. A question respects autonomy and intelligence. Owen D. Young (an industrialist and diplomat) never gave direct orders; he would say, "You might consider this," or "What do you think of this?"
PayoffIncreased cooperation and initiative. The person feels ownership of the task.
Example phraseInstead of "Do this now," say "Do you think this approach would work? What if we tried..."
Watch out forFraming orders as questions but with a sarcastic tone. Sincerity is key.
When you're in this situation: You need someone to adopt your idea, buy your product, or change their stance — without you pushing so hard that they resist. These tactics shift the dynamic from you-versus-them to a collaborative exploration where they persuade themselves.
Principle
Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
The only way on earth to influence the other fellow is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it.
What's happening underneathPeople act based on their own desires, not yours. When you align your request with their wants, they become self-motivated.
PayoffVoluntary, enthusiastic action. A father got his son to eat by linking food to the boy's desire to beat a bully. Carnegie reduced a hotel's rent increase by showing the manager the disadvantages to him, not to Carnegie.
Warning signalsTalking about what you want, your needs, your product's features — without translating them into benefits for the other person.
Counter if someone tries to arouse an eager want in youAsk yourself: "Is this truly what I want, or only what they want me to believe I want?" Pause and consider your own goals.
Success looks likeThe other person exclaims, "That's a great idea!" and acts on it as if it were their own.
Example phrase"If you try this approach, I think you'll save hours each week — and you've said you wished for more time with your family."
DependencyYou must first discover what the other person actually wants (see See Their Point of View card).
Tactic (Socratic Method)
Get the Other Person Saying "Yes, Yes" Immediately
Begin by emphasizing the things on which you agree. Keep the other person from saying "No" at the outset.
What's happening underneathA "No" response triggers a psychological, muscular, and glandular set toward rejection. A series of "Yes" answers creates a forward-moving, accepting momentum.
PayoffThe opponent eventually embraces a conclusion they might have denied minutes before. Socrates used this method to change minds in ancient Athens.
Warning signalsStarting with a contentious point. Instead, find neutral, agreed facts first.
Counter if used against youBe aware when someone leads you with a series of obvious "yes" questions. Pause before the final leap and ask, "Can we clarify how we got from A to Z?"
Example phrase"Would you agree that customer satisfaction is our top priority? Yes. And that accurate information is key to that? Yes. Then might it make sense to..."
Principle
Let the Other Person Do a Great Deal of the Talking
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other person talk themselves out.
What's happening underneathPeople are more persuaded by their own words than yours. Letting them speak allows them to process their thoughts and, often, discover their own errors or come around to your side.
PayoffA lucrative contract. An upholstery sales rep lost his voice and had the company president talk on his behalf — he won a $1.6 million order because the president convinced himself.
Warning signalsInterrupting, filling silences, over-explaining.
Counter if someone uses this to extract information from youPause and ask, "I've been doing most of the talking. What's your take on this?" to redirect.
Example phrase"Tell me more about your concerns. I'm here to listen."
Principle
Let the Other Person Feel That the Idea Is His or Hers
No one likes to feel they are being sold something or told what to do. We prefer to act on our own ideas.
What's happening underneathOwnership increases commitment. Colonel Edward M. House influenced President Woodrow Wilson by planting ideas so subtly that Wilson later presented them as his own.
Looks likeAsking for suggestions, providing options, guiding the person to a conclusion without claiming credit.
PayoffEager acceptance and implementation. An X-ray manufacturer sold to a hospital by asking the doctor for advice on improving the machine; the doctor sold himself.
CounterIf you suspect someone is using this on you, check whether the idea truly aligns with your own goals. It's not harmful if the outcome is good for you too.
Example phrase"What do you think about rolling out the new process in phases? How would you approach it?"
DependencyRequires you to genuinely let go of credit and guide rather than direct.
Tactic
Dramatize Your Ideas
Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. This is the day of showmanship.
What's happening underneathThe mind is drawn to novelty and sensory impact. A dramatic demonstration breaks through mental filters and imprints the message.
PayoffJames Boynton won over a skeptical advertiser by dumping 32 jars of competitor cold cream on his desk, each tagged with market data. He got the contract.
Warning signalsOver-dramatizing can seem gimmicky. The exaggeration must be proportional to the importance of the idea.
Example phraseInstead of a report, bring a physical object or create a live comparison. "Here are the actual customer complaint letters — all 200 of them tied together."
Tactic
Throw Down a Challenge
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition — not in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.
What's happening underneathThe desire to excel is a fundamental motivator. A challenge appeals to pride and the need for a feeling of importance.
PayoffCharles Schwab boosted a lagging mill's production by chalking "6" on the floor; the night shift erased it and wrote "7," and soon the mill was leading the plant.
Warning signalsAvoid creating destructive competition or pitting people against each other in a way that harms teamwork.
Example phrase"I'm not sure anyone can pull this off in under a week — but if someone could, it would be you."
Tactic
Appeal to the Nobler Motives
Every person has a high regard for themselves and likes to be seen as honorable and unselfish. Appeal to that self-image.
What's happening underneathJ. Pierpont Morgan noted that people have two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. Appealing to the "good" reason lets them act while preserving their self-respect.
PayoffA landlord's tenant wanted to break a lease. Instead of threatening, the landlord said, "I sized you up as a man of your word. I'll take the gamble." The tenant stayed and paid.
Warning signalsBeing naive about someone's character. Research first. But assume honesty until proven otherwise.
Example phrase"I know you're someone who values fairness. Given that, I'd like to ask you to review the situation."
Principle
Try Honestly to See Things from the Other Person's Point of View
Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person's viewpoint.
What's happening underneathBefore you can change someone's mind, you must understand why they hold their view. This understanding dissolves your irritation and points to the right appeal.
PayoffInstead of threatening park-fire starters, Carnegie appealed to their sense of fairness and suggested a safer spot. The boys cooperated without resentment.
Warning signalsAssuming you already know their motives without asking questions.
Example phrase"If I were in your shoes, I'd probably feel the exact same way. Let's figure out how to make this work for you."
Principle
Be Sympathetic with the Other Person's Ideas and Desires
Three-fourths of the people you meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
What's happening underneathSympathy acknowledges the person's emotional reality. The magic phrase is: "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I should undoubtedly feel just as you do."
PayoffAn angry letter writer about a geographical mistake became friendly after Carnegie sympathized and apologized. The impresario S. Hurok managed the temperamental singer Chaliapin by sympathizing with his "sore throat" rather than arguing.
Example phrase"I completely understand why you'd be upset. If that happened to me, I'd feel the same way."
When you're in this situation: You must give negative feedback, ask someone to change a habit, or address a performance issue — and you want the person to actually improve, not just resent you. These steps turn a confrontation into a collaborative improvement conversation.
Principle
Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
What's happening underneathPraise opens the mind. A barber lathers a man before shaving him. Calvin Coolidge praised his secretary's dress before asking her to watch her punctuation.
PayoffThe person receives the correction without becoming defensive. William McKinley praised a campaign speech before diplomatically asking for a rewrite.
Example phrase"I've really appreciated your thorough research on this. One small thing I want to mention about the formatting..."
DependencyThe praise must be genuine and specific. Empty compliments will be seen as manipulation.
Principle
Call Attention to People's Mistakes Indirectly
Calling attention to mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who might resent direct criticism.
What's happening underneathIndirectness lets the person save face and discover the mistake themselves. Charles Schwab gave cigars to workers smoking under a "No Smoking" sign, saying, "I'll appreciate it if you'll smoke these on the outside."
PayoffThe behavior changes without resistance. John Wanamaker (retail magnate) served a customer himself when his clerks ignored her — no scolding, just a demonstration.
Example phraseInstead of "You were wrong," say "I wonder if we might look at this section again. I think there's another angle."
Principle
Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing the Other Person
It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your own faults if the criticizer begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
What's happening underneathSelf-disclosure of flaws levels the conversation. It removes the "superior" dynamic and makes the correction feel like shared growth.
PayoffCarnegie told his niece Josephine, "You've made a mistake, but Lord knows it's no worse than many I've made. You're better than I was at your age." She accepted the correction gracefully.
Example phrase"I remember the time I made a similar mistake — and it cost us a client. What I learned was... Let's see how we can apply that here."
Principle
Praise the Slightest Improvement and Praise Every Improvement
Praising even slight improvement inspires the other person to keep on improving. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
What's happening underneathReinforcement shapes behavior. Warden Lawes of Sing Sing found that praising inmates' efforts secured greater cooperation than harsh criticism.
PayoffTransformation. The great singer Enrico Caruso was encouraged by his mother's praise when his first teacher said he had no voice. Charles Dickens and H.G. Wells were similarly spurred by early recognition.
Example phrase"I noticed you arrived five minutes early today — that's a great step. Thank you for making the effort."
Watch out forPraising mediocrity that doesn't improve. The praise must accompany visible effort or progress.
Principle
Give the Other Person a Fine Reputation to Live Up To
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics.
What's happening underneathPeople will strain to live up to a reputation you bestow upon them. It preserves their self-image and challenges them positively.
PayoffA servant girl called "Marie the Dishwasher" was told she had treasures within her. She began to care for herself and later married the nephew of the chef, attributing her change to that one sentence.
Example phrase"You've always been so reliable with deadlines — I know I can count on you for this one."
Principle
Use Encouragement. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct.
If you tell someone they are stupid at a thing and have no gift for it, you destroy their incentive. But show them that the skill is within easy reach — and they will practice until dawn.
What's happening underneathSelf-efficacy is crucial. A dance teacher told a middle-aged beginner, "You have a natural sense of rhythm," and he improved, despite knowing he wasn't talented.
PayoffEly Culbertson (bridge expert) became a champion because his wife told him he had a genius for cards when he was failing at everything else.
Example phrase"This part of the new software is a bit tricky, but you're so quick with technology — I know you'll master it in no time."
Principle
Make the Other Person Happy About Doing the Thing You Suggest
Always make the other person happy about doing what you want. Give them a title, authority, or recognition that elevates the task.
What's happening underneathPeople do their best work when they feel honored. Woodrow Wilson invited William Gibbs McAdoo to join his cabinet by making him feel that accepting would be doing Wilson a favor.
PayoffA mechanic who complained about long hours was given the title "Manager of the Service Department" and a private office. He worked happily without complaint.
Example phrase"You have a real knack for organizing events. Would you be willing to lead the holiday party planning?"
When you're in this situation: You need information, a favor, or cooperation from someone who has no obligation to help you — or perhaps even dislikes you. The key is to make them feel important in the asking, so helping becomes a pleasure.
Technique (from Part 5: Letters That Produced Miraculous Results)
Ask the Other Person to Do You a Small Favor
Asking someone for a small, easily granted favor — especially advice — makes them feel important and transforms enemies into friends.
What's happening underneathPeople love to feel needed and knowledgeable. When you ask for their help or opinion, you acknowledge their superiority in that area, satisfying their craving for importance.
What it looks likeBenjamin Franklin asked a political enemy to lend him a rare book; the man became a lifelong friend. Salesman Albert Amsel asked a tough plumber for advice about a new store location, and the plumber gave him a large order and friendship.
PayoffKen R. Dyke's letters asking dealers to "help him out of a little difficulty" by supplying information pulled a 42% response rate — twice what was considered a miracle.
Warning signalsThe favor must be genuine and small. If it feels like a manipulative trick, it will fail. It must come from the heart.
Example phrase"I wonder if you'd mind helping me out of a little difficulty. I value your opinion — could you take a quick look at this?"
When you're in this situation: The daily grind has worn down the warmth in your home. Little irritations have grown into walls. You want to rebuild closeness, prevent divorce, or simply make your marriage a source of genuine happiness rather than a source of stress.
Rule for Home
Don't Nag
Of all the sure-fire, infernal devices for destroying love, nagging is the deadliest.
What's happening underneathNagging corrodes love by making the other person feel inadequate, controlled, and resentful. It drove Napoleon III to secret affairs, Leo Tolstoy to flee his wife at 82, and made Lincoln dread going home.
What it sounds like"You always leave your socks on the floor," "Why can't you ever...?" repeated incessantly.
Payoff for stoppingA peaceful home and renewed affection. Bessie Hamburger of the New York Domestic Relations Court found that nagging is one of the chief reasons men leave home.
How to counter if you're being naggedAcknowledge the underlying need (often a desire for attention or help) and address it constructively: "I see this is really important to you. Let's fix it together."
Success looks likeExpressing a request once, then dropping it, or finding a mutually agreeable system.
Example phraseInstead of "You never help," say "I'd love it if we could tackle the dishes together after dinner."
Rule for Home
Don't Try to Make Your Partner Over
The first thing to learn in intercourse with others is non-interference with their own peculiar ways of being happy, provided those ways do not interfere with yours.
What's happening underneathTrying to change someone signals they are not acceptable as they are. Disraeli's wife Mary Anne was famously scatterbrained, but he never criticized her; he let her be herself, and their marriage was a glowing success.
Success looks likeCelebrating your partner's quirks and focusing on your own growth. Disraeli said after 30 years, "I have never been bored by her."
Example phrase"I love that about you — it's so uniquely you. I wouldn't have it any other way."
Rule for Home
Don't Criticize (at Home)
More than half of all marriages fail, and a prime cause is criticism — futile, heart-breaking criticism.
What's happening underneathCriticism at home breeds resentment and erodes love. Gladstone, the British prime minister, was a formidable political opponent but never criticized at home. Catherine the Great smiled through a burnt meal.
PayoffA warm, accepting home atmosphere where partners want to be together.
Example phraseInstead of "This is overcooked," say "Thank you for making dinner tonight. I appreciate the effort."
Watch out forAlso applies to children. Read "Father Forgets" — a father's remorseful reflection on his constant faultfinding with his young son.
Rule for Home
Give Honest Appreciation
If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, she is to find it in his appreciation and devotion. And if that appreciation and devotion is actual, there is the answer to his happiness also.
What's happening underneathAppreciation for efforts at home meets the core need for importance. Eddie Cantor credited his wife for building his fortune and making a wonderful home; he was loud in his praise.
What it sounds like"That was a delicious meal," "You look beautiful tonight," "Thank you for handling that."
Success looks likeA spouse who feels valued and reciprocates warmth.
Example phrase"I notice how much effort you put into making this place feel like home. I'm really grateful."
Rule for Home
Pay Little Attentions
Trivialities are at the bottom of most marital unhappiness. Small attentions — flowers, a phone call, a note — are the language of love.
What's happening underneathLittle attentions show that you are thinking of the person and that their happiness matters. George M. Cohan telephoned his mother twice a day.
PayoffThe marriage stays fresh. Judge Joseph Sabbath of Chicago said a simple wave goodbye in the morning would avert many divorces.
Example phraseBring home a rose. Leave a note: "Thinking of you. See you tonight."
Rule for Home
Be Courteous
Courtesy is just as important to marriage as oil is to your motor. We are often more polite to strangers than to our own family.
What's happening underneathFamiliarity breeds rudeness, which devours love. Oliver Wendell Holmes kept his blue moods to himself rather than inflict them on his family.
PayoffA home where you feel respected, not taken for granted. Dorothy Dix: "Compared with marriage, being born is a mere episode."
Example phrase"Please," "Thank you," "I'm sorry" — spoken as warmly to your spouse as to a guest.
Rule for Home
Read a Good Book on the Sexual Side of Marriage
Sex is admittedly the most important subject in life and the thing which causes the most shipwrecks in the happiness of men and women. Ignorance is disastrous.
What's happening underneathSexual maladjustment is the leading cause of divorce, according to authorities like Judge Hoffman of Cincinnati and Dr. G. V. Hamilton. Dr. Katherine Bement Davis's survey of 1,000 married women confirmed widespread sexual unhappiness.
What success looks likeA couple who have discussed and educated themselves, moving from "matrimonial illiterates" to informed partners.
Example actionObtain and read a book such as Sex Outline for Young People by Helena Wright or The Joy of Sex by Dr. Alex Comfort.
Watch out forThe source recommends reading recognized, factual books on sex, not unreliable material. It is a call to deliberate education, not prurience.

Situational Index

Reverse lookup: When you find yourself in one of these situations, refer to the linked card.